I will not depend on my own understanding

Trust is hard for me. Trust means I give up my opinion and I believe in someone other than myself. It means I don’t question and I don’t try to understand.

I like to understand.

In spite of that, it’s no secret I don’t understand much in this world. Why I must have chocolate every hour, why my children don’t sleep at night, why awful people thrive on mistreating others. I especially don’t understand why I am such a coward when the Spirit of God lives in me.

Today’s confession sticks in my throat. I want it to be true. I want my life to be defined by trust in God. I want to leave fear and worry and distress behind. In my wild imagination, I swing from skyscraper to skyscraper on an itty bitty string, not trying to understand this enormous change that’s happened to me and my family. Strong, fearless, scanning creation for bad guys and opportunities to save helpless victims.

No, wait. That’s Spiderman. (Or my biggest little after he watches Spiderman. My furniture looks like a skyscraper to a three-year-old, right?)

Okay, no swinging and no helpless victims. But trusting, not trying to understand. That would be incredible. So in spite of the words sticking in my throat I confess:

I will not depend on my own understanding.

Then I turn to Proverbs 3:5 and find today’s confession in full. I’m not surprised to realize it’s about trust in God. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

This one will take awhile to soak in. Things happen that I may never understand, but if I trust in God I don’t need to understand. I just need to seek Him.

Does trust come easily to you?